Everyone has their stories, some of which are hard to tell or even remember. As a kid I had a lot of ups and downs and socially, I was very misunderstood, the amount of torment that I went through at times was unbearable. I’ve known since the ripe age of 4 that I loved women, I couldn’t get them out of my mind. I mean all the Wendy Peffercorn’s, the Winnie Cooper’s, and the Kelly Kapowski’s would forever be ingrained into my mind as my dream girl... only thing... I’m a girl... And I guess for kids being told or seeing what “normal” is and then seeing different makes people judge and act out.
Now, my mom has always told me to keep private matters to myself but in growing and forming bonds I feel that it is necessary to open up. So here’s why I choose to get a fly with 13. Not only was I born on the 13th and that I came out to my parents when I was 13. But, I was also 13 when I decided to try and stop the pain of people and situations by hurting myself. After coming home from school I sat in my room, looking at the mirror... I didn’t see ugly, strange, or gross but that’s all I was ever called... I took a handful of depressants and as I recalled every mean thing that was said to me I took an Xacto blade to my face... for I was already “ugly”... why not make something ugly to look back at. I was so numb, yet I was so little and all I wanted was “normal” but I was far from it. Two years later I was convinced I needed to end my life or at least voice that I wanted to, to my parents. I wanted to give up and be set free. The sad thing, because I was so wrapped up in my world I had no idea it was my brothers 14th birthday... So as my parents celebrated life my parent almost morned on the same day... the date 1/30 which happened to be yesterday...
From the outside looking in I had everything a kid could ever need but on the inside I was a kid filled with loss, pain, and neglect. I looked everywhere for answers but always fell short. I was told certain things never happened and found ways to block them. I hid things and got really good at not saying anything, even if I was a kid with my heart on my sleeve who talked a million miles a min. I felt like I was and still am a fly on the wall... not only have things happen to me but I witnessed a lot and keeping to myself was something I learned to do. And for it being on my shoulder... well, trying to carry everything we've ever been through all on our own is a bit much to ask.
I guess this tattoo is a way to free my inner child, my innocence that was stolen, and for the awesome person I am. I am trying to be more open and to letting people see the real me... it’s not always pretty but the most beautiful things are the one’s that can smile through the tears.
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