New Ink

The other day I had a strong erg to get a new tattoo. I have had this idea about a fly for awhile, in fact I drew it out 2 years ago... I thought I would get a chest piece w/ the fly in the middle with words on both sides “anche al buio trovare la luce” But after debating I opted out. It’s funny how things happen, dates pop up without even realizing but I guess our inner selves just know something is going on.



Everyone has their stories, some of which are hard to tell or even remember. As a kid I had a lot of ups and downs and socially, I was very misunderstood, the amount of torment that I went through at times was unbearable. I’ve known since the ripe age of 4 that I loved women, I couldn’t get them out of my mind. I mean all the Wendy Peffercorn’s, the Winnie Cooper’s, and the Kelly Kapowski’s would forever be ingrained into my mind as my dream girl... only thing... I’m a girl... And I guess for kids being told or seeing what “normal” is and then seeing different makes people judge and act out.

Now, my mom has always told me to keep private matters to myself but in growing and forming bonds I feel that it is necessary to open up. So here’s why I choose to get a fly with 13. Not only was I born on the 13th and that I came out to my parents when I was 13. But, I was also 13 when I decided to try and stop the pain of people and situations by hurting myself. After coming home from school I sat in my room, looking at the mirror... I didn’t see ugly, strange, or gross but that’s all I was ever called... I took a handful of depressants and as I recalled every mean thing that was said to me I took an Xacto blade to my face... for I was already “ugly”... why not make something ugly to look back at. I was so numb, yet I was so little and all I wanted was “normal” but I was far from it. Two years later I was convinced I needed to end my life or at least voice that I wanted to, to my parents. I wanted to give up and be set free. The sad thing, because I was so wrapped up in my world I had no idea it was my brothers 14th birthday... So as my parents celebrated life my parent almost morned on the same day... the date 1/30 which happened to be yesterday...

From the outside looking in I had everything a kid could ever need but on the inside I was a kid filled with loss, pain, and neglect. I looked everywhere for answers but always fell short. I was told certain things never happened and found ways to block them. I hid things and got really good at not saying anything, even if I was a kid with my heart on my sleeve who talked a million miles a min. I felt like I was and still am a fly on the wall... not only have things happen to me but I witnessed a lot and keeping to myself was something I learned to do. And for it being on my shoulder... well, trying to carry everything we've ever been through all on our own is a bit much to ask.

I guess this tattoo is a way to free my inner child, my innocence that was stolen, and for the awesome person I am. I am trying to be more open and to letting people see the real me... it’s not always pretty but the most beautiful things are the one’s that can smile through the tears.

Somebody I use to know...

Lately this song by Goyte has been popping up everywhere in my life... From seeing this on my friend's FB wall to the original video reminding me of a close friend and their art to the nonstop repeat playback (really not going to lie I’ve probably listened/watched this on youtube 40 to 50 times). But also, this song hits home... reminding me of somebody (who I coincidentally ran into and got a text from last night). Last week while at “Bitch” Bingo I was talking with beautiful soul about how we need to let things go and while I have let a lot of stuff go I really haven’t forgiven my “Somebody I use to know”.


Here’s the harshness of the situation... Yes, I fell in love but I fell in love for the wrong reasons... You were controlling, manipulative, you twisted things. Blood pressures sky rocketed because of you, you lied in so many ways, fabrication = disgust. You took my rose colored glasses off from the world and made me build a wall making it hard for others to see in... You hurt me more than you loved me...

When we got together I “Told myself that you were right for me” but in the end “felt so lonely in your company” I honestly don’t know why it lasted as long as it did, probably because I didn’t see everything that was going on behind the curtain and only after parting ways was I revealed the truth. Or the fact that “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.” I hated how I felt like a caged animal, I want/ed to be somebody and with you I felt like a dog with a shock collar, I was given space but the second I started to venture, to see the world... zzZZZaaaPPP!

Yes, the sour is still in my mouth, HOW COULD YOU? WHAT IN YOUR RIGHT MIND WOULD MAKE YOU SAY AND DO THE THINGS YOU DID?! Not everything was bad but I read somewhere, that in life for every bad thing you do it take 3 good things to balance it out... So in our case it feels like it will take you a lifetime to redeem yourself. Yes, you helped me and stood by me when times got dark but I also felt like you were an anchoring force driving me there. There were so many hidden motives with you. I didn’t want to live that way, I didn’t want the toxic of us in my life anymore, I felt like I was your drug that as much as you hated drama it feed your inner soul... I had to cut you out, and to tell you we would still be friends was a way to make it not so hard because “I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over.”

I do however wish to move on from this taste, I don’t want to always look back and wished it had never happened and that we were nothing. But it is really hard when I think about how you screwed me over, how I don’t know what was real and fake and what you really said or did and if there were hidden agendas behind everything that was done. I hope you find yourself and know that even though this seems like a pointing of a finger, I know it takes two to tango and I had a part in everything that happened. That in the twisting of an Oreo both sides get icing it’s just one that has more.

Hopefully by expressing myself I can move on because I don’t want extra weight in my life but I will choose to “treat you like a stranger” and “I’m sorry if it feels so rough.”

Oh Norma Jeane...

The other day I was making my facebook rounds when I stumbled upon this quote:

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love.
Listens, but doesn't believe.
& leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe



Now as much as I want to like this... it leaves me saddened for how can you ever enjoy the fruit if you never go out on a limb... How would you know the sweet and the sour... that you can't survive off candy... I feel as if this is a way to keep yourself from living... from feeling... from true emotion and as much as everyone hates the drama and the roller coaster of life it is somewhat necessary to keep the balance of appreciation in this world. I say, feel something... get hurt... get swept away, let yourself have a chance at greatness and wonder as well as pain and sorrow, for we don't have forever.