Free Willy... Save the Orcas

This past winter I watched the documentary Blackfish on Netflix... And after making a post on FB yesterday because I kept running into a number of posts asking to join the petition to keep orcas out of captivity. I had to write something.

Now, I’ve always been one for animals and wildlife, learning about them, seeing them and quite frankly finding them more interesting than most humans... Heck, I grew up going to zoo camp and taking adventures to wildlife refuges. In high school I helped set up a watershed grant for the Lynnhaven River with my school as well as 3 years of the Oyster Restoration Project for the Chesapeake Bay... But, I also grew up going to the circus and visiting Sea World... I loved it but taking a step back, I am almost embarrassed to say, I enjoyed it...

Life for animals is not like the movies these creatures may like doing tricks but they aren’t like Alex (The Lion from Madagascar) who get a sense of celebrity and forget if Blackfish portrayed only the negative or edited the film to the director’s liking, the big picture of the film I think, is to open up our eyes to what is really happening... That these mammals (some captured, some born in captivity) are given a fraction of space in which they should be given to live... That most of these orcas were separated and forced to become family with other orcas making new pods and most of them hating the others for it, ganging up on the outcasts as if they were in middle school together. As I said in my FB feed I understand rehabilitating and researching wildlife but profiting off of animals while making them do tricks for treats or confining them to a limited space is upsetting... And it is, it’s not fare and it truly saddens me to think that they have a life of imprisonment for profit.

Places like Sea World or watching the circus are great if it’s the shows with people on water skis or guys riding motorcycles in steel cages with fire everywhere, I like the sense of community and watching all the people and hearing children laugh but what I don’t want to see or hear is animals being hurt or crying out... If I ever have kids, I want to take them to places where the animals and mammals are free to roam, to let them experience creatures in their own habitats letting them truly explore the wonder that is around us not what is brought to us.

I know that by signing my name isn’t going to change everything and I don’t expect for the orcas to just be released because they would need a release project that would help them back into the wild, so there are many steps to taking action but I do feel like by making people aware is the most important and then using our best judgement as to what we spend our money on and what we go see is a step in the right direction.

Long Live the Circle of Life.
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba, Sithi uhhmm ingonyama, Ingonyama!

Checkout LohoMatic!

Thanks for stopping in!
For the month of March I will be continuing the LohoMatic series please check it out and enjoy!

http://lohomatic.blogspot.com/

Dave’s!

Dave’s Cosmic Subs where everything is cosmically delicious!

With a menu that stretches out across the whole front wall and where we create specials based off our taste buds or creative customers, there really is no better place for a sub sandwich when it comes to this hole in the wall wonder... at times I can honestly say it help save me... they took me in when I needed extra money and 3 years later I do it all right along with my crew.

Dave’s isn’t just a sandwich shop to me... it’s what I call family... we work together, we laugh together, we goof, joke and cry, we eat, we dance, we party, we spend holidays feasting and we have a love hate for each other as if we were all related because trust me if anyone messed with anyone of us we would all have each others back. Over the years we have greeted and waved goodbye to employees but the truth is once you are in the crew, burns and all it’s like a secret society and Dave’s blood is the best blood.

Sure I work at a sandwich shop in which I could be doing something else, making better money, with benefits and not slicing meat for a living but because of Dave’s I get to set my own rules and life... If I worked behind a desk for someone else making designs or taking photos I would loose my creative... I would hate that I was making someone else’s dream/vision come true while putting mine on the back burner... I am an artist, a creative soul, I have dreams and goals and I will work for them because I do not want to loose what I love about myself... I know that working behind a counter isn’t what I strive for but with the people I work with, getting to be creative with food, making people’s tummies smile and then getting to build myself as Hoffmeister is worth it.

In life all I’m looking for is to inspire, to create success, to find happy... I do want a family and I want to be able to take care of things so that they can live comfortably and I hope I can do that along with keeping true to myself because I want them to know me the way I see myself and the way I would want to see them live... as themselves.

So to Dave’s and my crew, I Love You and know I have your back like the perfect sweater, even when the day comes that I throw away my gloves for the last time!

Moving On...

Thanks for all the messages and concerns about where I was going... don't worry, I haven't left or moved on from my little abode that sits on Ponce. However, I am choosing to move on in the right direction.

In a world full of people there are many things that we are faced with. There is no stoping earths rotation or the way of life, emotions, attractions and feelings but you do have a choice. A choice to better yourself, to stay true to what you are looking for and how you want to live your life. To be strong enough to move on when things no longer make us happy or hurt us. In hopes to finding something better... for who knows, something maybe out there that we never even imagined or dreamed of.

I am challenging myself to make the right moves, so that as a person, I can be who my cat thinks I am, full of wonder. I want to surround myself w positive outgoing people, who can laugh along side of me as we'll as have a real conversation. For life is not about how many people know you it's about who you share it w. I believe life can be a fairytale but to have the real thing we must experience both sweet and sour so when we find it, we can appreciate it more.

So from a picture that was intended for an ongoing joke about lesbians and uhauls... it actually turned into a realization.

I hope you challenge yourself, go find your happiness, go out on a limb... as scary as it may seem the reward maybe worth the rush of the unknown, plus isn't that were the fruit is?

Treating the Ladies...

I don’t know if I should call it old school or if people have forgotten what it is to treat somebody they like but as for me I was always taught to show how you feel all while being a respectable person. For me if I like someone I show them by romanticizing them, making little things such as mixed tapes and write them little notes or letters (I love snail mail), to me this is not only special but something that should be done.

Recently it has been brought to my attention through a series of events that I am not who I say I am or the person a certain someone thought I was...

That I use the same tactics and make girls/women feel special by making them these mixed CDs, writing cute little notes and cook for them.

Truth, maybe I do use the same tactics but each person I meet and start something with is different. And who doesn't want to treat who they're with special? No one person is the same, just like I don't treat everyone the same. Yes, certain aspects because I am a creative soul so I like making things. I make mixes because I not only enjoy music but because I like to make the people I'm with feel how I am feeling though music. I have never once re-gifted a previous mix made for someone else because they aren’t the same feelings. I couldn’t have all the same songs or letters or words for them.

For each beautiful soul that enters my life I like learning about them and opening up, sharing not only myself but the experiences and getting to know each other because even if we move on from one another at least I can say I gave them me, I showed them the real Loren and if they walk away or realize they want something else it’s because we weren’t meant for each other and I tried the best that I could and that we had our moment, that we were meant for our moment that we shared. And in those moments I am given, I will forever look into the eyes of the one I’m with and let them know that they are special and that they are the person I want to be with in that moment.

Another argument is how could I fall for someone and then walk away so easy...? Easy, I don’t like being taken advantage of, I’m tried of giving myself and watching people somersalt into their actions. Don’t share things with me and have an underlining issues that you don’t let surface till after sharing parts of yourself with me. I realize we will have many people enter our lives who will excite us, challenge us, frustrate us, make us laugh till we feel like we have a six pack and when we do, I fully embrace it for I want to grow and know what it is like to feel. But when I think about who I want to be with at the end of my days it’s someone who is going to make me smile and reflect on the world not having to argue, yell at or wonder what if you are telling me the truth or are you yet again fabricating the truth. I want to end up with my best friend and when you are best friends things fall into place giving you a feeling of peace. Yes, I know there will be ups and down for nothing is ever easy because “anything worth having isn’t easy and anything easy isn’t worth having.”

All in all, I am happy the way I treat women and if someone thinks I don’t... then it’s their loss.

Say, YES.

While our lives sometimes move at the speed of light, where getting things done and moving onto the next venture is in our mind, we unfortunately forget about the beauty of random. I know I’m always on the go, have things planned out and things that could be if the first things fall through, all while I having a stack of projects and work waiting for me. It is sometimes overwhelming to say the least.

Last Monday (MLK day) I had off from work, it was the only day game of the season for the Hawks and I really wanted to go... I knew I had a bunch of work to do and didn’t have anyone to go with but something reminded me of the movie Yes Man. There is a line in the movie that says “You say No, saying no to life and therefore you are not living, every time an opportunity presents itself you will say, yes.” Now, I know that you can over say yes but if it’s just for the randomness and not to overwhelm yourself with taking on other person/s projects, then yes can make us live in the moment. And that’s exactly what I did!

I playing over and over in my head that I shouldn’t go to the game, work even called seeing if I could take a shift in case someone was sick but they ended up being ok so after posting on fb to see if anyone wanted to go to the game, I called Carmellow. She was already going to the game and had plans to meet up w/ her friends from work and invited me to meet up with them for they had an extra ticket! I jumped in the car but with the MLK parade going on I couldn’t cross over Peachtree and was getting aggravated with the parking situation, so I just pulled over and walked. I got ahold of Carmellow who directed me to their location. I was sent through a claustro-fuck and almost had a mini panic attack but made it to the bar where I met 3 new people and downed a shot of Jager before walking over to Philips Arena. Once at the game my nerves calmed and I started to enjoy myself running into a few familiar faces, taking it as a sign that I was on the right track for the day. The game started out like butterfingers but as it went on the hawks went neck and neck beating out the T-Wolves.

(Photo Thanks: Dyana Bagby and GA Voice)


When the game ended I had every intention of going home to work on a few projects but walking out of the arena my new found friends were all going to continue their festivities and I thought back to the movie... I said to myself “Loren, today is the day you go with the flow and if something presents itself, go for it.” So I walked along having a few interesting conversations and laughs as Carmellow and I were called very attractive Lesbians by a very strait man as we sipped on a Moscow Mule and listened to Disney’s Snow White Heigh Ho, before being dropped off at another bar where we met for dinner and another new friend. As the girls took a smoke break, I got a text from my good ole roommate who I hadn’t seen in over a year saying she had an extra ticket to the Big Freedia concert and would love to catch up and being that “yes” was my word for the day, I dropped everyone off in midtown and made my way over to EAV where I met 2 handfuls of people who were full of life and good energy, making me smile from ear to ear! I was getting pretty tired when Big Freedia walked out and instructed us to work it out and get loose with him before he went on and lets just say it was a nonstop booty shake extravaganza. I met this super cute gay, Michael (pictured next to Big Freedia) and we ended up pairing up and being booty shaking dance partners. Once Big Freedia finally came out to perform he had all his little dancers (us) come up on stage and show the audience what we had learned, sweating, laughing, howling, booty shaking that moment was intoxicating and I didn’t think it could get any better then his last song came on. He looked me in the eyes and pointed to me, I gave him the thumbs up and he shook his head and pulled me on stage (solo) to shake it out with him. As I got on stage the crowd was wild and I thought it’s now or never, I ran across stage stop, dropped and rolled up onto my shoulders kicking my feet into the air and shaking my tush upside down and all I heard was the crowd scream in excitment... looking back and reflecting, it was in that moment and the moment of the whole day, meeting new people and enjoying myself with nothing holding me back that I can honestly say I felt infinite.

So, in the ever fast of our lives, live it, love it, be random and enjoy the unknown... get what you need to get done and then let go and find the beauty of a moment unplanned. Say, YES and see what happens!

What happens when you fall in love with a writer?

Better yet what happens if a writer/artist falls in love with you?!

As a kid most of us grow up watching Disney along with other movies/tv shows and read stories of true love, Princes and Princesses, the dork and the pretty one. I know, I for one have dreamt about finding my fairytale, hell, I have lived fairytales... only they didn’t end happily ever after... but I did get glimpses.

Yesterday as I was scrolling through my fb feed, I ran into a post that read: What happens when you fall in love with a writer. I read it and my wheels started turning for half the things talked about, I in fact do towards the lovely ladies that I have fallen for. I love making breakfast in bed wether it’s 8am, 7pm or 3am if you and I are hungry, I will cook. I like sex at anytime of the day and getting lost in their eyes, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I like sharing, I like adventures, I like exciting the one I am sharing my time and life with.

The truth is I have fallen in love a number of times (as well as have been hurt) the way it makes you feel is worth the good and the bad, it’s unlike anything other, your heart races, blood rushes through your body making your face turn red and your ears feel like they want to burn off, how it suddenly becomes hard to breath when you see them, how you get tingly and how when you make eye contact you turn away even though you could secretly stare at them till you fell asleep. Each time you fall in love it’s a different set of feelings, for you cannot love someone the same. Each person is a new start and together you can do and create anything. As a writer and artist I want to create a world that someone might have thought of but never thought existed.

I grew up in a house where my mother was treated like she was the only thing in the world that mattered. That not only my brother and I needed to respect but that my father would do anything and everything to make her happy, never raising a hand and always backing down when knowing she wasn’t. My dad said you treat the one you want to be with the best that you can, stand up when you need to but always show love even if you’re angry or hurt. And that’s what I want. I want to find and fall in love with my best friend. I want to sit for hours laughing, talking, not talking but enjoying each other... I want to get lost, get lost from time, lost from the world and find a world in them.

I’m an artist, I’m a writer, I am a creative soul. I have bursts of greatness in which I try and take your romantic dreams as well as mine and make realities. Where we set off balloons into the sky, light fireworks in a field, build forts and make hats, talk in funny little accents and dance down grocery store aisles, find a random fair and ride the best ride, eat amazing food over candles and make up stories that haven’t been told before. I like to sweep pretty girls off their feet and make them feel like they are the only one in my world. I like to have the rush of them making that moment the only moment one worth living right then.

I am in search for my love story and honestly, I know I cant plan it all out for what I want and what I don’t know exists, is a big factor. Plus having expectations can ruin the spark of a random love affair. And getting to know the real person behind the made up vision in your mind. So here’s to life, love and finding... May each of us continue forward and find what makes us happy and hopefully it will take you on your own fairytale even if it's only momentary.

"If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die."

Uncertain Darkness

Why is it that anytime I feel like there is nothing in my world or the feeling of being overwhelmed I find myself running away and doing disappearing acts to unfamiliar places finding my cold dark equal.

Yes, I have people who love me, I have great opportunities, dreams and goals but I also have a darkness inside that can't be explained. I have gotten help a number of times, have taken steps to turn my life around and move into a different direction but when the winds change, my sails don't always know how to redirect in the right way and letting go seems as though I would free fall into the infinite abyss...

Everyone has hard times... Everyone has their own darkness and everyone deals with their situations differently.

I have never done hardcore drugs but I sometimes love the feeling of nothing, I love not thinking and being in my head. And quite honestly, in some strange way I sometimes like the darkness where I hide...

Sometimes we must get lost in the darkness to find our light and know its worth.

The Happenstance

A Battle of Hastily Assembled Bands

Saturday night, a time to get out of the house and into the world and what better way to spend it then listening to some creative beings pouring their creative heart and souls into a night full of music to hype not only a crowd of eager on lookers but also some well deserving charities including Atlanta Community Food Bank and Sweet Relief.

As the sun came shinning over hotlanta, 30 band members entered the Earl. They were given coffee, bagels and (as one band joked) gluten free muffins then were sent to create new music as they were divided into 6 different groups, their names were drawn out of hats and equally distributed with guitarist, bassist, drummer, keys and given the day to form a band, writing 3 original new songs or 20 min set worth and perfecting a cover all revolving around a theme, being weather. Some new faces and some recurring ones started to vibe making the magic of weather come to life. And after 9.5 short hours after walking through the door and meeting one another, people started showing up to see what the night had to bring. For the excitement and anticipation had people crowded around the bar and the stage on their toes.

One after the other bands hit the stage, named after favorite southern breakfast food, a missing band member and weather inspired tongue twisters the energy of the room was filled to the brim as people clapped, waved and danced to the lyrics of rain, sun, thunder and seasons including a gnarly X-mas song that almost everyone got involved in!

Involvement, that was what this night was about, to getting out and getting involved. Involved in helping a good cause, working together, coming together. Getting out, being encouraged and inspired by the music and people.

LohoMatic: 30 Days 30 Photos

I know I haven't written on here in a longtime but for the next 30 days I will be starting a new blog and photo project so please enjoy while I continue to take a hiatus from this one.




Here's what I'm doing:
I have 30 days to take 30 photos, anything and everything is open, I will be taking everything from what I see, who I'm with, or where I'm at to show the beauty and world around me in which I live. The photos that I post here and on the blog will only be a fragment of the actual photo that will be fully shown on July 31st. So if you like a piece, come for the whole pie and save the date for that Tues night!

http://lohomatic.blogspot.com/

Think before acting... everyone is watching...

To Whom it May Concern,
You call me a friend, yet do you ever call me when you don't need something?! Do you care about me and my feelings?! What I'm doing or what's going on in my life? Or is the world revolving around you and your needs... am I your puppet?! I think people forget what friends are sometimes... so here is a thought.



A FRIEND - One who will be there for the laughs and bullshit, moments of greatness and defeat... someone who will be around even if it doesn't benefit them or only wants you around for your talent... sometimes people amazing me w/ their wording and actions...

I guess if you feed some people to much, you will get crushed like biscuit crumbs... Try to appreciate what's in front of you.

Sincerely yours,
Loren Hoffmann

A Random Act of Kindness or a Thought that’s stuck with me...

Living in Atlanta we are surrounded by people - rich, middle, poor, homeless, we see it all as long as we don’t have our eyes closed! And at some point or another we are approached by people whether it’s to further us or to ask for some spare change.



The other night around 2am I was taking the long way home and stopped by the store to pick up some kitty food and gatorade when I a man called me from across the parking lot... now most of the time I keep walking forward and say sorry because for the most part I’m trying to get by on what I have, but a thought crossed my mind. Now, I’m not a big religious person, but I believe there’s something out there and you should do right by yourself and what your own morals are than to believe a book that’s been rewritten a 1000 times. Somewhere in high school during youth group we were talking about strangers and how we treated people. I remember Mrs. P. saying “You never know who is watching or taking you in, you might be talking to Jesus, so be nice to everyone.” I guess that night as I was walking in something spoke to me, so at a distance I stopped and looked at him. He asked if he could wash my wheels and clean my windows for money or some food and started telling me what was going on in his life, in which I stopped him. I looked him in the eye and said “I don’t care why you’re out here, but you want food, is that right?” He said yes and I told him I would get him something when I was inside.

At first I thought I would just get him granola bars but then thought no I’m going to do this right, because if I had enough in me to ask for food I would hope someone would treat me good. So, I got what I came in for and then picked him up a gatorade, a can of peaches, sandwich buns, chicken, turkey, ham, and a small box of chewy bars. I then went to the deli section and picked up some utensils and condiments put everything in a bag and for $7 dollars (the price of one drink at the bar) I fed a man. I went back out to the parking lot and handed him it to him and as he fist bumped me, I felt whole... that I had done something for someone and as much as he needed something, I needed to feel something. In someways it was selfless but all in all I did what my youth teacher told me to, I treated someone not only the way I would want to but in a way that would hopefully make a high power happy.

Random or not you never know who is watching or taking you in, be who you set out to be.

Hebrews 13:2 - Don't forget to love and entertain strangers, for in doing so, some have been surrounded by angels without knowing it.

The Greatest Show On Earth

Every year as a kid I always looked forward to going to the circus. Getting a high glossed program, eating cotton candy and snow cones, meeting the clowns, seeing the tigers and elephants, swinging trapeze and the occasional guy getting shot out of a cannon...

I always would get swept away in the amazement of it all. I wanted to join the circus to be a clown or a lion tamer or one of the guys with muscles... haha! I would sit there with my mouth open and my fingers pointing , I never wanted the show to end. I wanted the show to be life, grand in every way.



Recently the circus came to town and I went with 2 very cute ladies, we made an adventure out of it taking the Marta into Philips Arena. As we entered, all the feelings of a kid came back (who knows if wearing two different colored shoes had anything to do with it) and having a little minion by my side made it even better because I got to see how I would imagine myself looking like at 5 and all I could do was smile!

I remember what it was like to have my dad pick me up so I could see everything and how I carried my tiger clown cup trying to keep up with my skyscraper dad. This made me happy and proud at the same time because I realized how awesome my parents were and that when I have a kid/s I know that making things special so one day they may look back and have memories like the way I did is important. I’m glad I got to pick up Am and let her see the elephants paint and watch her eat her snow cone as she took the wonders of the show in. Not only is this show full of wonder but so are the people who make it come to life, each smiling face and every thrill making our hearts race. Children have a way of melting hearts just as this show is the Greatest.

Coming Out...

So... almost all us gay’s have a coming out story. I wonder what it’s like for all the straights... I mean you never had to come out and no one ever asks you “how’d you know you liked the opposite sex?!” I honestly would love to hear a story about how they first fell in love... in which case it’s just another story about falling in love and knowing you liked who you liked or loved who you loved...



As said in a previous post, I’ve known I’ve liked girls since the ripe age of 4... it was a lifeguard... I didn’t know what sex was but I knew I wanted to hold her hand! Since that day I’ve idolized Squints Palledorous (Sandlot) after drowning in a pool just so Wendy Peffercorn could resuscitate him! I guess you could say all that oiling and lotioning got to me...!

Growing up, I loved taking care of little girls and staring endlessly at the older ones. I was the one to give the piggyback rides, the one who wanted to play house just so I could hold their hand or give them hugs, I loved looking at how pretty they were and helping them to their feet. But I was also so scared to let anyone know... (looking back it was so obvious) heck I was to scared to kiss a girl... that is except for one who will be kept a secret because when she found out I was gay... well let’s just say she wouldn’t even friend me on fb! haha!

Anyway, it wasn’t till 7th grade when I came out... I thought gay was a disease from the way people acted about it but I wanted to let it out because I just couldn’t keep it in any longer. I wanted to talk about girls like all the other guys. So, I sat my mom down while my dad was away on a business trip and told her I liked girls. She said “I like girls to...” and I said “no... I really like girls... like I want to take them on dates and treat them like princesses... I feel like I was born in the wrong body, that I should be like my brother and I got the short end of the stick.” (Or should I say No Stick) She looked at me and said “oh... is that why people make fun of you... did you hit on them?... I figured since you were yay high... I just want you to be happy... let’s keep this a secret.” She of course told my father when he returned to town. I was so scared of making him disappointed, I wanted to like who I liked, love who I loved and not be looked down upon. So, I turned the other way. He thought it was a phase and after trying to like boys in high school and having a fear of only having butch girls like me, for I had never seen a girl like me with a girl like Gisele. But after a crazy whirlwind of an experience happened when I was 18, I threw my hands up and became open and proud when I stepped out of the car and into college. Let’s get one thing “straight” though, I hate rainbows and rainbow wear. I only will wear it if it was Pride or if it's was tye dye and I'm hangin out at a music festival!

Someone once asked me, "Loren, will you ever be straight?!"
I looked at them and said "Yeah, when I become a guy."

Today my parents are ok with me being gay but as far as being trans... That’s a whole other story. I went to trans therapy for a brief moment in college but after an extreme incident, I found it easier to be non-gender based. And it would have been a whole lot easier if Facebook would have let me kept my gender under wraps but with the new timeline came the mandatory selection... I say don’t think of me as a girl, don’t think of me as a guy... just look at me as Loren and I promise to melt your hearts while making you laugh!

New Ink

The other day I had a strong erg to get a new tattoo. I have had this idea about a fly for awhile, in fact I drew it out 2 years ago... I thought I would get a chest piece w/ the fly in the middle with words on both sides “anche al buio trovare la luce” But after debating I opted out. It’s funny how things happen, dates pop up without even realizing but I guess our inner selves just know something is going on.



Everyone has their stories, some of which are hard to tell or even remember. As a kid I had a lot of ups and downs and socially, I was very misunderstood, the amount of torment that I went through at times was unbearable. I’ve known since the ripe age of 4 that I loved women, I couldn’t get them out of my mind. I mean all the Wendy Peffercorn’s, the Winnie Cooper’s, and the Kelly Kapowski’s would forever be ingrained into my mind as my dream girl... only thing... I’m a girl... And I guess for kids being told or seeing what “normal” is and then seeing different makes people judge and act out.

Now, my mom has always told me to keep private matters to myself but in growing and forming bonds I feel that it is necessary to open up. So here’s why I choose to get a fly with 13. Not only was I born on the 13th and that I came out to my parents when I was 13. But, I was also 13 when I decided to try and stop the pain of people and situations by hurting myself. After coming home from school I sat in my room, looking at the mirror... I didn’t see ugly, strange, or gross but that’s all I was ever called... I took a handful of depressants and as I recalled every mean thing that was said to me I took an Xacto blade to my face... for I was already “ugly”... why not make something ugly to look back at. I was so numb, yet I was so little and all I wanted was “normal” but I was far from it. Two years later I was convinced I needed to end my life or at least voice that I wanted to, to my parents. I wanted to give up and be set free. The sad thing, because I was so wrapped up in my world I had no idea it was my brothers 14th birthday... So as my parents celebrated life my parent almost morned on the same day... the date 1/30 which happened to be yesterday...

From the outside looking in I had everything a kid could ever need but on the inside I was a kid filled with loss, pain, and neglect. I looked everywhere for answers but always fell short. I was told certain things never happened and found ways to block them. I hid things and got really good at not saying anything, even if I was a kid with my heart on my sleeve who talked a million miles a min. I felt like I was and still am a fly on the wall... not only have things happen to me but I witnessed a lot and keeping to myself was something I learned to do. And for it being on my shoulder... well, trying to carry everything we've ever been through all on our own is a bit much to ask.

I guess this tattoo is a way to free my inner child, my innocence that was stolen, and for the awesome person I am. I am trying to be more open and to letting people see the real me... it’s not always pretty but the most beautiful things are the one’s that can smile through the tears.

Somebody I use to know...

Lately this song by Goyte has been popping up everywhere in my life... From seeing this on my friend's FB wall to the original video reminding me of a close friend and their art to the nonstop repeat playback (really not going to lie I’ve probably listened/watched this on youtube 40 to 50 times). But also, this song hits home... reminding me of somebody (who I coincidentally ran into and got a text from last night). Last week while at “Bitch” Bingo I was talking with beautiful soul about how we need to let things go and while I have let a lot of stuff go I really haven’t forgiven my “Somebody I use to know”.


Here’s the harshness of the situation... Yes, I fell in love but I fell in love for the wrong reasons... You were controlling, manipulative, you twisted things. Blood pressures sky rocketed because of you, you lied in so many ways, fabrication = disgust. You took my rose colored glasses off from the world and made me build a wall making it hard for others to see in... You hurt me more than you loved me...

When we got together I “Told myself that you were right for me” but in the end “felt so lonely in your company” I honestly don’t know why it lasted as long as it did, probably because I didn’t see everything that was going on behind the curtain and only after parting ways was I revealed the truth. Or the fact that “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.” I hated how I felt like a caged animal, I want/ed to be somebody and with you I felt like a dog with a shock collar, I was given space but the second I started to venture, to see the world... zzZZZaaaPPP!

Yes, the sour is still in my mouth, HOW COULD YOU? WHAT IN YOUR RIGHT MIND WOULD MAKE YOU SAY AND DO THE THINGS YOU DID?! Not everything was bad but I read somewhere, that in life for every bad thing you do it take 3 good things to balance it out... So in our case it feels like it will take you a lifetime to redeem yourself. Yes, you helped me and stood by me when times got dark but I also felt like you were an anchoring force driving me there. There were so many hidden motives with you. I didn’t want to live that way, I didn’t want the toxic of us in my life anymore, I felt like I was your drug that as much as you hated drama it feed your inner soul... I had to cut you out, and to tell you we would still be friends was a way to make it not so hard because “I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over.”

I do however wish to move on from this taste, I don’t want to always look back and wished it had never happened and that we were nothing. But it is really hard when I think about how you screwed me over, how I don’t know what was real and fake and what you really said or did and if there were hidden agendas behind everything that was done. I hope you find yourself and know that even though this seems like a pointing of a finger, I know it takes two to tango and I had a part in everything that happened. That in the twisting of an Oreo both sides get icing it’s just one that has more.

Hopefully by expressing myself I can move on because I don’t want extra weight in my life but I will choose to “treat you like a stranger” and “I’m sorry if it feels so rough.”

Oh Norma Jeane...

The other day I was making my facebook rounds when I stumbled upon this quote:

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love.
Listens, but doesn't believe.
& leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe



Now as much as I want to like this... it leaves me saddened for how can you ever enjoy the fruit if you never go out on a limb... How would you know the sweet and the sour... that you can't survive off candy... I feel as if this is a way to keep yourself from living... from feeling... from true emotion and as much as everyone hates the drama and the roller coaster of life it is somewhat necessary to keep the balance of appreciation in this world. I say, feel something... get hurt... get swept away, let yourself have a chance at greatness and wonder as well as pain and sorrow, for we don't have forever.

I will love you till the end of time:

It’s been forever since I’ve sat down and blogged. I have a crazy non-stop lifestyle yet with my mind wandering to the souls that graze my mind and Lana Del Rey’s - Blue Jeans song playing over my new found love of Spotify. I had to stop and sit down because in some way I lost touch or got disconnected because I am doing to much and not making cameras jealous because of my focus... Anyway... here’s what’s in my head while this song graced itself across my living room.



It’s funny how people will randomly show up in your life and as fast as they come in it’s just as fast leaving. Over the years I have met a few diamonds in the rough, you know the people you make eye contact with and forever stay in your head with the questions of what if in the background. What if you said hi, what if you gotten their number, what if you would have called them, what if you weren’t just friends, what if you acted on your desires, what if you would have, what if, what if, what if...

From blue jeans to mini skirts, high heels and dresses there have been all kinds of beautiful women that the second I looked up and made eye contact it felt as if electricity went rolling through my body... From females that I have only glanced at to knowing them for what seems like a decade, my heart raises, blood rushes and my breath shortens... not that this made me fall head over heels in love but it sure made me lust in more ways then one, which makes my heart think “I will love you (them) till the end of time.” The excitement of the unknown, the urn to understand the mystery of a second in time which seemed to stop all time. From the fact of knowing and not knowing the person across from you that you secretly infused into the back of your mind... which “made my eyes burn.”

Who know’s if this even makes since but to a hopeless romantic like myself, you have to believe in something.

I am a Diamond...

One day I will be the diamond someone is looking for...
but for now I'm shining on my own!

Finding Greatness

People of every character will walk into our lives... It is up to us on what we share and how we present ourselves... be extraordinary every chance you get, you never know who's watching and admiring.