Uncertain Darkness

Why is it that anytime I feel like there is nothing in my world or the feeling of being overwhelmed I find myself running away and doing disappearing acts to unfamiliar places finding my cold dark equal.

Yes, I have people who love me, I have great opportunities, dreams and goals but I also have a darkness inside that can't be explained. I have gotten help a number of times, have taken steps to turn my life around and move into a different direction but when the winds change, my sails don't always know how to redirect in the right way and letting go seems as though I would free fall into the infinite abyss...

Everyone has hard times... Everyone has their own darkness and everyone deals with their situations differently.

I have never done hardcore drugs but I sometimes love the feeling of nothing, I love not thinking and being in my head. And quite honestly, in some strange way I sometimes like the darkness where I hide...

Sometimes we must get lost in the darkness to find our light and know its worth.

The Happenstance

A Battle of Hastily Assembled Bands

Saturday night, a time to get out of the house and into the world and what better way to spend it then listening to some creative beings pouring their creative heart and souls into a night full of music to hype not only a crowd of eager on lookers but also some well deserving charities including Atlanta Community Food Bank and Sweet Relief.

As the sun came shinning over hotlanta, 30 band members entered the Earl. They were given coffee, bagels and (as one band joked) gluten free muffins then were sent to create new music as they were divided into 6 different groups, their names were drawn out of hats and equally distributed with guitarist, bassist, drummer, keys and given the day to form a band, writing 3 original new songs or 20 min set worth and perfecting a cover all revolving around a theme, being weather. Some new faces and some recurring ones started to vibe making the magic of weather come to life. And after 9.5 short hours after walking through the door and meeting one another, people started showing up to see what the night had to bring. For the excitement and anticipation had people crowded around the bar and the stage on their toes.

One after the other bands hit the stage, named after favorite southern breakfast food, a missing band member and weather inspired tongue twisters the energy of the room was filled to the brim as people clapped, waved and danced to the lyrics of rain, sun, thunder and seasons including a gnarly X-mas song that almost everyone got involved in!

Involvement, that was what this night was about, to getting out and getting involved. Involved in helping a good cause, working together, coming together. Getting out, being encouraged and inspired by the music and people.

LohoMatic: 30 Days 30 Photos

I know I haven't written on here in a longtime but for the next 30 days I will be starting a new blog and photo project so please enjoy while I continue to take a hiatus from this one.




Here's what I'm doing:
I have 30 days to take 30 photos, anything and everything is open, I will be taking everything from what I see, who I'm with, or where I'm at to show the beauty and world around me in which I live. The photos that I post here and on the blog will only be a fragment of the actual photo that will be fully shown on July 31st. So if you like a piece, come for the whole pie and save the date for that Tues night!

http://lohomatic.blogspot.com/

Think before acting... everyone is watching...

To Whom it May Concern,
You call me a friend, yet do you ever call me when you don't need something?! Do you care about me and my feelings?! What I'm doing or what's going on in my life? Or is the world revolving around you and your needs... am I your puppet?! I think people forget what friends are sometimes... so here is a thought.



A FRIEND - One who will be there for the laughs and bullshit, moments of greatness and defeat... someone who will be around even if it doesn't benefit them or only wants you around for your talent... sometimes people amazing me w/ their wording and actions...

I guess if you feed some people to much, you will get crushed like biscuit crumbs... Try to appreciate what's in front of you.

Sincerely yours,
Loren Hoffmann

A Random Act of Kindness or a Thought that’s stuck with me...

Living in Atlanta we are surrounded by people - rich, middle, poor, homeless, we see it all as long as we don’t have our eyes closed! And at some point or another we are approached by people whether it’s to further us or to ask for some spare change.



The other night around 2am I was taking the long way home and stopped by the store to pick up some kitty food and gatorade when I a man called me from across the parking lot... now most of the time I keep walking forward and say sorry because for the most part I’m trying to get by on what I have, but a thought crossed my mind. Now, I’m not a big religious person, but I believe there’s something out there and you should do right by yourself and what your own morals are than to believe a book that’s been rewritten a 1000 times. Somewhere in high school during youth group we were talking about strangers and how we treated people. I remember Mrs. P. saying “You never know who is watching or taking you in, you might be talking to Jesus, so be nice to everyone.” I guess that night as I was walking in something spoke to me, so at a distance I stopped and looked at him. He asked if he could wash my wheels and clean my windows for money or some food and started telling me what was going on in his life, in which I stopped him. I looked him in the eye and said “I don’t care why you’re out here, but you want food, is that right?” He said yes and I told him I would get him something when I was inside.

At first I thought I would just get him granola bars but then thought no I’m going to do this right, because if I had enough in me to ask for food I would hope someone would treat me good. So, I got what I came in for and then picked him up a gatorade, a can of peaches, sandwich buns, chicken, turkey, ham, and a small box of chewy bars. I then went to the deli section and picked up some utensils and condiments put everything in a bag and for $7 dollars (the price of one drink at the bar) I fed a man. I went back out to the parking lot and handed him it to him and as he fist bumped me, I felt whole... that I had done something for someone and as much as he needed something, I needed to feel something. In someways it was selfless but all in all I did what my youth teacher told me to, I treated someone not only the way I would want to but in a way that would hopefully make a high power happy.

Random or not you never know who is watching or taking you in, be who you set out to be.

Hebrews 13:2 - Don't forget to love and entertain strangers, for in doing so, some have been surrounded by angels without knowing it.

The Greatest Show On Earth

Every year as a kid I always looked forward to going to the circus. Getting a high glossed program, eating cotton candy and snow cones, meeting the clowns, seeing the tigers and elephants, swinging trapeze and the occasional guy getting shot out of a cannon...

I always would get swept away in the amazement of it all. I wanted to join the circus to be a clown or a lion tamer or one of the guys with muscles... haha! I would sit there with my mouth open and my fingers pointing , I never wanted the show to end. I wanted the show to be life, grand in every way.



Recently the circus came to town and I went with 2 very cute ladies, we made an adventure out of it taking the Marta into Philips Arena. As we entered, all the feelings of a kid came back (who knows if wearing two different colored shoes had anything to do with it) and having a little minion by my side made it even better because I got to see how I would imagine myself looking like at 5 and all I could do was smile!

I remember what it was like to have my dad pick me up so I could see everything and how I carried my tiger clown cup trying to keep up with my skyscraper dad. This made me happy and proud at the same time because I realized how awesome my parents were and that when I have a kid/s I know that making things special so one day they may look back and have memories like the way I did is important. I’m glad I got to pick up Am and let her see the elephants paint and watch her eat her snow cone as she took the wonders of the show in. Not only is this show full of wonder but so are the people who make it come to life, each smiling face and every thrill making our hearts race. Children have a way of melting hearts just as this show is the Greatest.

Coming Out...

So... almost all us gay’s have a coming out story. I wonder what it’s like for all the straights... I mean you never had to come out and no one ever asks you “how’d you know you liked the opposite sex?!” I honestly would love to hear a story about how they first fell in love... in which case it’s just another story about falling in love and knowing you liked who you liked or loved who you loved...



As said in a previous post, I’ve known I’ve liked girls since the ripe age of 4... it was a lifeguard... I didn’t know what sex was but I knew I wanted to hold her hand! Since that day I’ve idolized Squints Palledorous (Sandlot) after drowning in a pool just so Wendy Peffercorn could resuscitate him! I guess you could say all that oiling and lotioning got to me...!

Growing up, I loved taking care of little girls and staring endlessly at the older ones. I was the one to give the piggyback rides, the one who wanted to play house just so I could hold their hand or give them hugs, I loved looking at how pretty they were and helping them to their feet. But I was also so scared to let anyone know... (looking back it was so obvious) heck I was to scared to kiss a girl... that is except for one who will be kept a secret because when she found out I was gay... well let’s just say she wouldn’t even friend me on fb! haha!

Anyway, it wasn’t till 7th grade when I came out... I thought gay was a disease from the way people acted about it but I wanted to let it out because I just couldn’t keep it in any longer. I wanted to talk about girls like all the other guys. So, I sat my mom down while my dad was away on a business trip and told her I liked girls. She said “I like girls to...” and I said “no... I really like girls... like I want to take them on dates and treat them like princesses... I feel like I was born in the wrong body, that I should be like my brother and I got the short end of the stick.” (Or should I say No Stick) She looked at me and said “oh... is that why people make fun of you... did you hit on them?... I figured since you were yay high... I just want you to be happy... let’s keep this a secret.” She of course told my father when he returned to town. I was so scared of making him disappointed, I wanted to like who I liked, love who I loved and not be looked down upon. So, I turned the other way. He thought it was a phase and after trying to like boys in high school and having a fear of only having butch girls like me, for I had never seen a girl like me with a girl like Gisele. But after a crazy whirlwind of an experience happened when I was 18, I threw my hands up and became open and proud when I stepped out of the car and into college. Let’s get one thing “straight” though, I hate rainbows and rainbow wear. I only will wear it if it was Pride or if it's was tye dye and I'm hangin out at a music festival!

Someone once asked me, "Loren, will you ever be straight?!"
I looked at them and said "Yeah, when I become a guy."

Today my parents are ok with me being gay but as far as being trans... That’s a whole other story. I went to trans therapy for a brief moment in college but after an extreme incident, I found it easier to be non-gender based. And it would have been a whole lot easier if Facebook would have let me kept my gender under wraps but with the new timeline came the mandatory selection... I say don’t think of me as a girl, don’t think of me as a guy... just look at me as Loren and I promise to melt your hearts while making you laugh!