Coming Out...

So... almost all us gay’s have a coming out story. I wonder what it’s like for all the straights... I mean you never had to come out and no one ever asks you “how’d you know you liked the opposite sex?!” I honestly would love to hear a story about how they first fell in love... in which case it’s just another story about falling in love and knowing you liked who you liked or loved who you loved...



As said in a previous post, I’ve known I’ve liked girls since the ripe age of 4... it was a lifeguard... I didn’t know what sex was but I knew I wanted to hold her hand! Since that day I’ve idolized Squints Palledorous (Sandlot) after drowning in a pool just so Wendy Peffercorn could resuscitate him! I guess you could say all that oiling and lotioning got to me...!

Growing up, I loved taking care of little girls and staring endlessly at the older ones. I was the one to give the piggyback rides, the one who wanted to play house just so I could hold their hand or give them hugs, I loved looking at how pretty they were and helping them to their feet. But I was also so scared to let anyone know... (looking back it was so obvious) heck I was to scared to kiss a girl... that is except for one who will be kept a secret because when she found out I was gay... well let’s just say she wouldn’t even friend me on fb! haha!

Anyway, it wasn’t till 7th grade when I came out... I thought gay was a disease from the way people acted about it but I wanted to let it out because I just couldn’t keep it in any longer. I wanted to talk about girls like all the other guys. So, I sat my mom down while my dad was away on a business trip and told her I liked girls. She said “I like girls to...” and I said “no... I really like girls... like I want to take them on dates and treat them like princesses... I feel like I was born in the wrong body, that I should be like my brother and I got the short end of the stick.” (Or should I say No Stick) She looked at me and said “oh... is that why people make fun of you... did you hit on them?... I figured since you were yay high... I just want you to be happy... let’s keep this a secret.” She of course told my father when he returned to town. I was so scared of making him disappointed, I wanted to like who I liked, love who I loved and not be looked down upon. So, I turned the other way. He thought it was a phase and after trying to like boys in high school and having a fear of only having butch girls like me, for I had never seen a girl like me with a girl like Gisele. But after a crazy whirlwind of an experience happened when I was 18, I threw my hands up and became open and proud when I stepped out of the car and into college. Let’s get one thing “straight” though, I hate rainbows and rainbow wear. I only will wear it if it was Pride or if it's was tye dye and I'm hangin out at a music festival!

Someone once asked me, "Loren, will you ever be straight?!"
I looked at them and said "Yeah, when I become a guy."

Today my parents are ok with me being gay but as far as being trans... That’s a whole other story. I went to trans therapy for a brief moment in college but after an extreme incident, I found it easier to be non-gender based. And it would have been a whole lot easier if Facebook would have let me kept my gender under wraps but with the new timeline came the mandatory selection... I say don’t think of me as a girl, don’t think of me as a guy... just look at me as Loren and I promise to melt your hearts while making you laugh!

New Ink

The other day I had a strong erg to get a new tattoo. I have had this idea about a fly for awhile, in fact I drew it out 2 years ago... I thought I would get a chest piece w/ the fly in the middle with words on both sides “anche al buio trovare la luce” But after debating I opted out. It’s funny how things happen, dates pop up without even realizing but I guess our inner selves just know something is going on.



Everyone has their stories, some of which are hard to tell or even remember. As a kid I had a lot of ups and downs and socially, I was very misunderstood, the amount of torment that I went through at times was unbearable. I’ve known since the ripe age of 4 that I loved women, I couldn’t get them out of my mind. I mean all the Wendy Peffercorn’s, the Winnie Cooper’s, and the Kelly Kapowski’s would forever be ingrained into my mind as my dream girl... only thing... I’m a girl... And I guess for kids being told or seeing what “normal” is and then seeing different makes people judge and act out.

Now, my mom has always told me to keep private matters to myself but in growing and forming bonds I feel that it is necessary to open up. So here’s why I choose to get a fly with 13. Not only was I born on the 13th and that I came out to my parents when I was 13. But, I was also 13 when I decided to try and stop the pain of people and situations by hurting myself. After coming home from school I sat in my room, looking at the mirror... I didn’t see ugly, strange, or gross but that’s all I was ever called... I took a handful of depressants and as I recalled every mean thing that was said to me I took an Xacto blade to my face... for I was already “ugly”... why not make something ugly to look back at. I was so numb, yet I was so little and all I wanted was “normal” but I was far from it. Two years later I was convinced I needed to end my life or at least voice that I wanted to, to my parents. I wanted to give up and be set free. The sad thing, because I was so wrapped up in my world I had no idea it was my brothers 14th birthday... So as my parents celebrated life my parent almost morned on the same day... the date 1/30 which happened to be yesterday...

From the outside looking in I had everything a kid could ever need but on the inside I was a kid filled with loss, pain, and neglect. I looked everywhere for answers but always fell short. I was told certain things never happened and found ways to block them. I hid things and got really good at not saying anything, even if I was a kid with my heart on my sleeve who talked a million miles a min. I felt like I was and still am a fly on the wall... not only have things happen to me but I witnessed a lot and keeping to myself was something I learned to do. And for it being on my shoulder... well, trying to carry everything we've ever been through all on our own is a bit much to ask.

I guess this tattoo is a way to free my inner child, my innocence that was stolen, and for the awesome person I am. I am trying to be more open and to letting people see the real me... it’s not always pretty but the most beautiful things are the one’s that can smile through the tears.

Somebody I use to know...

Lately this song by Goyte has been popping up everywhere in my life... From seeing this on my friend's FB wall to the original video reminding me of a close friend and their art to the nonstop repeat playback (really not going to lie I’ve probably listened/watched this on youtube 40 to 50 times). But also, this song hits home... reminding me of somebody (who I coincidentally ran into and got a text from last night). Last week while at “Bitch” Bingo I was talking with beautiful soul about how we need to let things go and while I have let a lot of stuff go I really haven’t forgiven my “Somebody I use to know”.


Here’s the harshness of the situation... Yes, I fell in love but I fell in love for the wrong reasons... You were controlling, manipulative, you twisted things. Blood pressures sky rocketed because of you, you lied in so many ways, fabrication = disgust. You took my rose colored glasses off from the world and made me build a wall making it hard for others to see in... You hurt me more than you loved me...

When we got together I “Told myself that you were right for me” but in the end “felt so lonely in your company” I honestly don’t know why it lasted as long as it did, probably because I didn’t see everything that was going on behind the curtain and only after parting ways was I revealed the truth. Or the fact that “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.” I hated how I felt like a caged animal, I want/ed to be somebody and with you I felt like a dog with a shock collar, I was given space but the second I started to venture, to see the world... zzZZZaaaPPP!

Yes, the sour is still in my mouth, HOW COULD YOU? WHAT IN YOUR RIGHT MIND WOULD MAKE YOU SAY AND DO THE THINGS YOU DID?! Not everything was bad but I read somewhere, that in life for every bad thing you do it take 3 good things to balance it out... So in our case it feels like it will take you a lifetime to redeem yourself. Yes, you helped me and stood by me when times got dark but I also felt like you were an anchoring force driving me there. There were so many hidden motives with you. I didn’t want to live that way, I didn’t want the toxic of us in my life anymore, I felt like I was your drug that as much as you hated drama it feed your inner soul... I had to cut you out, and to tell you we would still be friends was a way to make it not so hard because “I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over.”

I do however wish to move on from this taste, I don’t want to always look back and wished it had never happened and that we were nothing. But it is really hard when I think about how you screwed me over, how I don’t know what was real and fake and what you really said or did and if there were hidden agendas behind everything that was done. I hope you find yourself and know that even though this seems like a pointing of a finger, I know it takes two to tango and I had a part in everything that happened. That in the twisting of an Oreo both sides get icing it’s just one that has more.

Hopefully by expressing myself I can move on because I don’t want extra weight in my life but I will choose to “treat you like a stranger” and “I’m sorry if it feels so rough.”

Oh Norma Jeane...

The other day I was making my facebook rounds when I stumbled upon this quote:

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love.
Listens, but doesn't believe.
& leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe



Now as much as I want to like this... it leaves me saddened for how can you ever enjoy the fruit if you never go out on a limb... How would you know the sweet and the sour... that you can't survive off candy... I feel as if this is a way to keep yourself from living... from feeling... from true emotion and as much as everyone hates the drama and the roller coaster of life it is somewhat necessary to keep the balance of appreciation in this world. I say, feel something... get hurt... get swept away, let yourself have a chance at greatness and wonder as well as pain and sorrow, for we don't have forever.

I will love you till the end of time:

It’s been forever since I’ve sat down and blogged. I have a crazy non-stop lifestyle yet with my mind wandering to the souls that graze my mind and Lana Del Rey’s - Blue Jeans song playing over my new found love of Spotify. I had to stop and sit down because in some way I lost touch or got disconnected because I am doing to much and not making cameras jealous because of my focus... Anyway... here’s what’s in my head while this song graced itself across my living room.



It’s funny how people will randomly show up in your life and as fast as they come in it’s just as fast leaving. Over the years I have met a few diamonds in the rough, you know the people you make eye contact with and forever stay in your head with the questions of what if in the background. What if you said hi, what if you gotten their number, what if you would have called them, what if you weren’t just friends, what if you acted on your desires, what if you would have, what if, what if, what if...

From blue jeans to mini skirts, high heels and dresses there have been all kinds of beautiful women that the second I looked up and made eye contact it felt as if electricity went rolling through my body... From females that I have only glanced at to knowing them for what seems like a decade, my heart raises, blood rushes and my breath shortens... not that this made me fall head over heels in love but it sure made me lust in more ways then one, which makes my heart think “I will love you (them) till the end of time.” The excitement of the unknown, the urn to understand the mystery of a second in time which seemed to stop all time. From the fact of knowing and not knowing the person across from you that you secretly infused into the back of your mind... which “made my eyes burn.”

Who know’s if this even makes since but to a hopeless romantic like myself, you have to believe in something.

I am a Diamond...

One day I will be the diamond someone is looking for...
but for now I'm shining on my own!

Finding Greatness

People of every character will walk into our lives... It is up to us on what we share and how we present ourselves... be extraordinary every chance you get, you never know who's watching and admiring.